“I’m Just Saying” is a column by Suburbs 101 Contributor, Alexis Gold. A funny and brutally honest take on what life is like for a working mom in New York City/turned unexpected stay at home suburban mom. This month, Alexis talks about her crush on Jeff Bezos and her Amazon shopping habits.
My kids talk about their crushes all the time. My son loves Ariana Grande. He is eight. My daughters would kill me for disclosing, but frankly, they change so much I can’t even remember. But, for me? Jeff Bezos is the only man who understood me in 2020. He gave me toilet paper, teachers’ gift cards, and time. Too bad, he is only the second richest man in the world in 2021. Just another sign that this year is off to a rocky start. He deserves better. We all do.
For those of you that don’t know, you can actually view your total annual Amazon orders online. Don’t do this. In 2020, I hit 260. I feel like CNBC’s go to analysts are down on the stock, but if my 37% increase in orders from 190 in 2019 is representative of the general population, I’d rethink that. Since I was already in the rabbit hole, I went a step further, and cross-referenced my way-too-many-purchases with my AmEx bill. I am not going to give you my average order size, but suffice it to say, it’s bigger than a breadbasket.
It looks to me like Mr. Jeff Bezos has probably given me back more than a week of my life this last year. Anything I want, at my fingertips within seconds, without having to leave my kitchen/bed/sofa/bathroom. I don’t actually deduct anything for the amount of time it takes to shop on Amazon because it’s my quarantine non-calorie burning sport. Most transactions take minutes at most, but you are welcome to discount my conclusions any way you want. That said, for what my faulty analysis is worth, it’s my only “me” time so I leave it as is. You can also see point blank why he bought Whole Foods.
Here’s how I calculate this:
Even if you do your grocery shopping elsewhere, I’d argue you still have a full five days of freedom gifted to you by his highness. My husband and kids have never given me back a single second. They are takers, mini soul suckers. They are not that little and practically need me to wipe their [fill in the blank with whatever you like, but not shoes]. This also extends to my husband who calls me every time he goes to the grocery store to ask me a billion question. Like, if there is a difference between long- and short-grain rice. Please, just pick one. Even if you include Mother’s Day breakfast in bed, I end up changing the sheets and doing the dishes. But not Jeff. He’s a giver. Two-day shipping, Audible offerings, book loans, new tennis racquets, nightlights, freeze dried strawberries, Swell bottle replacements tops. The list is never-ending.
This time savings is calculated on a 24-hour basis. If you are lucky enough to sleep eight hours a night, this 7.5 days, translates to 11.25 days of waking hours?!? You can all do math. Slice and dice it however you like. Life is better with the AMZN.
Thank goodness for the ability to buy useless crap on line. Imagine living through a pandemic in 1992? There’s no way you could quarantine or follow a stay at home order. You’d need to leave the house for everything. We’d be singing badly to Sir Mix-a-Lot rapping about our ever-expanding waist lines on Z100 in our boxy Volvos, wearing neon masks to buy SO. MANY. THINGS. Or, we’d just do without all the extra Lego sets and the economy would have suffered even more than it has. Amazon has kept me sane this last year. It’s an instant connection to the outside world. A way we kept some normalcy during the darkest days. Need a new puzzle? Done. Out of paper towels? Even in the darkest days, I was able to find them. Though, I will share a little kept secret with you, since not enough people read this to rob me of my steals & deals. Staples.com is a decent runner up. With B2B business down, Charmin, or at least a scratchy version of it and Purell are always to be found there.
To set the record straight – I am not getting any sort of kickback for writing this. As a former sell side analyst used to long compliance requirements, I should disclose I do own the stock. I own just enough for no one to give a shit. Frankly, I struggled with what to write about this month. I placed some orders as I was procrastinating and the rest is history. Don’t worry. This didn’t impact my 2020 order tally, so my flawed research stands. I’ll let you know when I hit 260 in 2021. Probably next week at this rate.
If my husband had 11.25 extra days of waking hours, I can tell you how he’d spent them. Golf. And when he was finished with that, he’d play another round. Maybe a little paddle. My kids would play Fortnite and watch YouTube. Meanwhile, this morning I asked them if they’d ever heard of someone named PewDiePie (who happens to have a remix of a song called “My Name is Jeff” and the only reason I found his name). They responded by laughing in mocking embarrassment, praying for a cooler mother. I know how I used those extra days in 2020. Making beds, lunches, folding laundry, being a fake teacher. But, I am vowing in 2021 to use them for myself. And, I think you should, too. If 2020 was the year of take, let’s make 2021 the year of give – to ourselves. My husband swears it will make everyone happier if I play more tennis and watch more
Netflix Prime Video.
I am going to take his word for it. Despite my affinity for Mr. Jeff Bezos, I love my husband more (though I wouldn’t mind if some extra billions were to fall into our laps). And, if he actually cleans the garage out in 2021, like he’s promised every year since 2018, they’ll be on an even playing field. Coming out of last year, I guess the barometer is pretty low. Happy New Year. Here’s to 11.25 extra waking days in 2021. Let’s use them wisely…like for a fingers-crossed post vaccination sweet beach vacation. Oh, and a new Vitamix on Prime Day, to mix up those crushes. I mean, it’s a new year. Maybe I’ll move on to Elon…
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About Alexis Gold
Alexis Gold holds a BS from Cornell University. She spent more than two decades on Wall Street, where she was a top ranked analyst by Institutional Investor. While on the buy side her creative writing was used to analyze companies, primarily in the retail space. Following the recent closing of her last fund, she decided to stay at home with her three small children. Her writing has been featured in Read650 and offers a funny and brutally honest take on what life is like for a working mom in NYC/turned unexpected stay at home suburban mom.
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About Suburbs 101
Suburbs 101 is an online lifestyle guide for the New York Suburbs of Westchester County, Long Island, Fairfield County and Northern New Jersey. Get the inside scoop on what it’s really like to live in the New York suburbs through our interviews with local suburbanites and features on Food, Fashion, Home, Travel, and Local Events. Be sure to Follow Us on Instagram, Like Us on Facebook and subscribe to our Monthly Newsletter.